Favourite Person

I hate you
Don’t leave me
I hated you today
You were so dismissive
I wanted to spend time with you
Just us
I just wanted your attention
For a while
Didn’t have to be long
I hate just seeing you at work
I hate feeling like this
I hate being me
I wanted to kill myself
I wanted to self harm so badly
I wanted to go home to lorazepam and wine
But my wine was stolen
By an alcoholic arsehole
And I really shouldn’t drink
Maybe I wouldn’t have felt like this today
Or maybe I would
I had been looking forward to seeing you
Its the only reason I go to work
The only reason I get out of bed
But it wasn’t as bad when I got home
The lol helped
Still dismissive
But not completely ignored
I guess that counts for something
But I think you might actually have been wrong this time
To not tell me about the thing
After you sent it me
I don’t think I’m over reacting
I’ll just not help you again
Except I will
Because I’m pathetic
And can’t stand up for myself
I could have told you about it
About how bad you made me feel
But no
Because that would have been letting the bpd out
I got overwhelmed by how much I hated you
And put the phone down
And then decided at the same time I didn’t hate you
That it was just me splitting
That I am sick
That I have bpd
And I hate it so much
And I don’t want to be this person
But the good bits are amazing
So I don’t know
Whether shades of grey would be boring
Whether I should be happy that the good times are so good
And just resign myself to the fact that there will be bad times
And try to deal
But I worry
That one day there will be a bad time
And I will actually manage to kill myself
And I hate
That you will never know any of this
I want you to rescue me from it
But I know
That if you knew
There would be nothing
You would run
Run from the crazy person
I wouldn’t blame you
I wish I could run
I wish you could understand